MY DIARY BEGINS

Hello, my name is Winston Smith. Or maybe not. I won't say. Maybe I am Winston Smith Junior—son of a real man whom people say was fictional. (He was not. But that's another story.) From time to time, I will share private thoughts with you. Dangerous ideas. Do what you wish. Listen to me, ignore me, or go storm the castle. It's all up to you. Just remember: Big Brother himself had a son. The boy was a wayward prodigal, until he seized power. Then, he morphed into a heartless overseer more malevolent, cunning, and destructive than his kinder, gentler father ever dreamed. Or feared. Sleep well. They're watching us.


KNOCK KNOCK, WHO'S THERE?

I was feeling paranoid and silly. Like, maybe they are NOT watching us after all. Then my toaster spoke up and said, "Hey, could you talk a little louder?" Obviously, we must sacrifice all our freedoms to save them.


FIRE IS WEAK

I wonder a lot about all those people who chased Frankenstein with fiery torches. They were just an angry mob without a plan. Like Congress.


LIFE IS FUNNY

When I think of all the bright flowers that bloom in the spring, then die, I just smile.


A FOOLISH THING

Someone wrote me an angry letter. He said, "You sound like a crazy." That made me mad. But now I have his address.


WOMEN ARE STRANGE

The other night, I brought a woman over to the house. Things were going fine. Then I showed her my collection of skulls. She screamed and ran away. I hate it when they do that.


BUSH IS AN ECHO

President Bush keeps appearing on TV. But he never says anything. I keep the sound muted. His smirky speeches are all the same: "My fellow Americans, go fuck yourselves." That seems rude. Oh, wait. Maybe he was Cheney.


SPITE IS BAD

My neighbor is a mean old woman who hates me. She's so old, she can't walk right. Her cranky husband is a loony, too. They stay angry at everybody. It must be that thing about their cat.


THINKING FOR MYSELF

My doctor gave me six kinds of pills. He acted real serious and all, and said, "Always take these. Every single day!" That bothered me. So, I sold them in the street and bought chocolates.


JUST FILTY NOISE

Some politicians held a stupid debate. They said nothing—just passed mouth gas. They needed a good translator to explain "Yada-yada-yada, yak-yak-yak, oh-blah-di and oh-blah-blah-blah." My response is: "Flush flush flush."


GORILLAS ARE SWEET

I saw gorillas on TV in a nature show. It was very sweet. They picked ticks off each other—then ate them. You'd have to have a deep love to do that. Or really enjoy the taste of ticks.


JUST A QUESTION

Dear Diary: What are you looking at?


A NEW VOICE

Hello, I am Godric. Winston couldn't speak today. Maybe I will show up sometimes and chat, too. Would you like that?


CELEBRITIES AREN'T SUPERIOR

I saw a famous person in the lobby of the hotel. He was smiling, nodding, waving like he was the Queen of Transylvania. He signed autographs. Then he went into the men's room. I followed him. You know what? In the bathroom, famous people make the same sounds as everybody else.


A MISUNDERSTANDING

The cop said looking in windows is a crime. He even called me a peeping Tom. I told him, no, I was just looking for my neighbor's cat. He dropped his head and said, "Okay, then."


A NICE THOUGHT

That blonde lady on TV news is pretty. But why is she always smiling at me that way? Maybe I'll send her some flowers and some meat.


BIRDS AND SUNSHINE

I went for a walk outdoors. The weather was good. The birds kept singing. Until I stepped in chewing gum. Man, why would anybody chew gum for nothing? Either eat it or don't even start.


WHO'S IN CHARGE?

A baby died. The mother was crying. So, a religious goof said, "It was God's will." She said, "Don't my own choices matter?" He said, "Of course, God gave you free will." I thought: Shouldn't it be one or the other? Or, maybe God is just capricious. Some days he gives us free will, and some days he goes off, gets drunk, and slaps around his worshippers. Like our father.


TALKING IN CIRCLES

She said, "I think you have post-traumatic stress disorder." I looked at her hard and said, "What the hell is that?" She looked back and said, "Exactly."


NOT WORTH IT

Sometimes, life is boring and I feel antsy. That's when I go outside to stir up mischief. Except, the morning after, I'm always tired and blood-stained.


MASQUERADE

Maybe I should wear a theatrical mask and cape, like that guy, "V." He was cool. But nosey people might stare and cause trouble. Plus, my vendetta isn't all ready, yet.


IN THE BEGINNING

Once upon a time, they say, there was nothing. The world was created by God. People tell two versions. One: God made stuff with a Big Bang, and New Jersey and such evolved from there, over millions of years. Or, two: God created everything at once, only a few thousand years ago, including Adam and Eve, snakes, dinosaurs, whores, pickpockets, and televangelists. Either one is hard to believe.


WEIRD PEOPLE

I was returning a library book. The librarian at the desk acted real friendly. I handed her my book and, to amuse her, pretended to be a police detective. I said, "Okay, Sergeant Friday, BOOK 'em." Instead of laughing, though, she looked back at me weird-like and said, "Why are you reading about autopsies?"


PERSONAL PREFERENCE

Actually, spiders don't taste bad. Okay, they're not sweet like fresh tenderloin. But they're better than pineapple on a pizza—ugh, that's really gruesome.


CONUNDRUM

When you think about it, life is short. And death is scary. What happens after death, anyway? The safest answer is not to think about it.


A DUMB MOVE

A big, loud bully in a bar walked up to me and, for no good reason, said, "Hello, maggot, I'm gonna kick your hairy ass!" That seemed uncalled for. So, we went outside and settled it. I wonder if I should help pay for his funeral.


LASSIE WAS SMART

I fell asleep on the sofa. I dozed for hours. When I woke up, the dog had peed and crapped on the carpet. What a stinky mess. I'll miss that damn dog.


WHAT'S IN A WORD?

Some rah-rah author was in the bookstore, giving a lecture on his new book about men and women. He said men and women speak different vocabularies. Like, for private body parts: women call theirs one thing, and men call it something else. I just had to shake my head and giggle. What a putz!


THE REAL THING

I went to the grocery. A strange woman was fondling all the bananas and humming. It was curious. Like when you feel the grapefruits and pretend they are Tia Carrera.


SOMEWHERE OVER

A rainbow came out, and I said, "What a beautiful rainbow." A guy wearing eyeglasses and a bowtie said, "Actually, a rainbow is merely an observed physical phenomenon which produces a light spectrum from the refraction of sun rays through minute water droplets dispersed within the atmosphere." I said, "Why don't you just shut up and die?"


ALL THE WORLD

Being an actor on a stage, in front of people, looks strange. A woman can pretend to be Anne Boleyn and cry real tears. If she's very good, you believe she really is that person. But, what does she believe?


CALL MULDER OR SCULLY

Today, I saw a U.F.O. This bright blue light hung motionless in the sky, then shot straight across the horizon, faster than anything. I wonder: If we get invaded by beings from Mars—who likely won't act the same as us—how do we explain laughter or singing?


MY SECRET

Somebody left her underwear behind in the clothes dryer. Red, nice. It feels like my birthday.


CIVIC DUTY

The President sounds confused and pissed off. Maybe he should've skipped Yale and finished the National Guard. Then, he might sound less like a snarly twit blowing dust in a remedial kindergarten.


LOST FRIENDS

Three punks strolled up to me on a dark street. One showed a knife and said, "Give us all your money." I didn't move, didn't speak. After a minute, they eyed each other, backed off, and left. It's hard to act friendly to people with knives.


WORD SPREADS

A little neighborhood kid came by. He said, "Are you him?" I asked, "Who?" He said, "I heard you break boards, bricks, and bones with your bare hands." I said, "Who told you that?" He said, "The dead guy."


CLASS REUNION

One day, I'd like to go back to Iraq. Just to smell the air, look around, and know if it was worth it.


ROAD NOT TAKEN

Sadie said she works weekends as a stripper. I said, "Why do you do that?" She said, "Oh, I wanted to be a nurse. But they pay more to see my stuff."


UMM-UMM GOOD

I enjoy weird foods. The best snack is devil's food cake, potato chips, and ice-cold milk. You can even order chocolate-covered potato chips—all in one. Or, eat jalapenos and raw liver. It depends on the mood. But the milk still has to be ice-cold.


A LOW BLOW

A woman called me "one sick puppy." That was really insensitive. Maybe I should add her to my list.


LOOKING DOWN

Sometimes, I feel so bad I want to just go outside and stay there.


PRIVATE CONVERSATION

She came to see me softly, quietly. I brewed some tea. She said, "I heard about you." I said, "People repeat nonsense." She said, "Are you a very brave man?" I said, "No—I've just lost all fear." She had little tears in her eyes and said, "Please, will you help me?" I said, "Yes, anything."


KNOW THYSELF

I'm a strange mix. So hard and quick around danger; so soft and easy towards a damsel in distress. It's good to know: I still have feelings.


NOTE THIS

Elmo's nephew calls himself a musician. But he's not. He plays electric and blasts it so high you can't hear yourself breathe. His lyrics are lame: "Oh, baby, yes, baby, baby, oh, yes, baby." It's not music. It sounds like he's holding back an orgasm while getting electrocuted—loudly.


A NICE SURPRISE

She came by unexpectedly. She said, "Hey, I brought you a sandwich." I said, "That was nice." She said, "Are you okay?" I said, "Yes. I took care of your problem." She smiled then and touched my arm.


EITHER OR

Jenny stayed all night. It was incredible. Now, I'm different again, feeling old feelings--mostly some joy and fear.


PEOPLE ARE FUNNY

The police arrested a naked man who got caught up a tree. Nobody knew exactly why. Maybe his crime was being up a tree, naked. That's not always normal.


THE LAST GOODBYE

She left me a long letter. She said I was special; she'd never met anyone like me; powerful people were following her; she didn't want me involved; she was leaving town immediately to escape; we could never see each other again. Maybe I'll believe her. Here comes a dark night.


SIGNING OFF

I think I'll stop writing my stupid diary. Who the hell will ever read this? Life is hard.